My Diary...

I'm not sure whether this belongs in the hobbies section or not? I think it does as it's sort of a past time.

I have decided to start keeping a diary of my each day and how it goes as I can't even remember the previous day as soon as I wake up so I should at least have hard copy memory of it. It's really for when I get older I can read it again never EVER forget my memories. If anyone is keen for me to post each of my days on here, speak out...

Could be amusing. go ahead.

It COULD be amusing but other parts can be not so amusing...

Even so... do et!

Ok, here we go!

I'm gonna post the day as it came when I finished writing it so hopefully it's going to be a new post everyday. Somebody make a new topic to talk about it cos this topic is where I'm gonna post each day.

October 16th 2008, 10:46 P.M.

Good evening. Just got back from Blenhiem and cracking my 5th bourbon while I write this. Work wasn't too bad today. I was actually motivated to work and so I did.

We were meant to leave for Blenhiem 2 days ago but the fucking truck had a flat tire so we had to unpacked everything we needed onto the new truck. What a fucken mission, about 6 hours of unpacking and packing and by that time it was past 7pm so we said, “Fuck it! We will leave at 5am tomorrow.” So what happens? Dre sleeps in, of course, and turns up late like usual. Why do I always sleep in on important things? I can't remember one important thing I have been on time for...

I'm filthy, I haven't showered today. How did Sixx get away for weeks at a time not showering or bathing? Was it because of who he was? Fuck I envy that cocksucker.

I sit here with this bong in front of me while I'm busy typing and I can hear it chanting, “Just fill me up, just once...” and I'm so tempted to do so and I think I will.

11 P.M.

Had my bong, fuck it was nice after being away for a couple of days without it. Sometime if I don't have a puff for a day or two I start to feel like I'm distanced from everything and can't think! I don't know what it is but the pot really helps me calm down and stop thinking about bad things and concentrate on the good things I have.

Ok, lets see it from my point of view from what I have now:

MY BOSS LIVES NEXT DOOR
NO CAR = NO PETROL $
OUTDOOR JOB > BEING CRAMMED IN AN OFFICE
VOTED PUREST WATER IN THE WORLD
5 ACRES OF LAND

Well put it this way, I shouldn't have anything to complain about except not having a girl. Fuck I need a girl, I don't know how I manage to put up with myself without a girl.

I was just reading about Foehn winds on Wikipedia. Wikipedia rocks, it's like the encyclopedia I never had when I was younger – you can find anything, ANYTHING you want on there. I wanted to catch up with Wayneo tonight but he was in bed by the time I got home. I wonder if I should have another bong? The last one was heaven but I don't want to over do it. I know I can't stop myself though.

I love this. Just sitting, staring and thinking. All to myself, just dreaming about what I really want to accomplish but I know by when I wake up I won't remember anything I was thinking about. My short term memory is fucked. I can't even remember what I had for lunch most days. Maybe it's just my mind is in other places but I don't remember because I have short term memory. Get it?

I feel very creative tonight, Nikki Sixx has inspired me to write. Lets just hope I keep it up. I'm sure I will because I haven't finished the fucken book haha. I txt Wayneo a couple of times today, nothing too interesting to talk about there. Not sure what I would do without Wayneo, he is my best mate and keeps me sane a lot of times. Shit, I don't think I couldn't even live without Wayneo, ahh many good times with that boy.

Fiddler! I fucken forgot! The place I was working at today, Thymebank, there was this sexy fucken blondie working there last time we were there and she had the nicest tits, sexy ass, slim legs and Mike and myself had bust this water pipe open in the ground and told her and it was a stinking hot day and she was wearing short shorts. I mean FUCKEN SHORT SHORTS! So she came over with us and I can't really remember what she was doing but I do remember that she was on her knees bending over with her hands in the ground and Mike and me could see fucken everything! We looked at each other with ours mouths and eyes wide open then turned back for the rest of the show. What a fucken slapper! It was a beautiful thing. You know sometimes how the whole earth time clock just slows down completely for yourself and everything goes in slow motion and seems the moment lasted a lifetime? It was exactly like that. Anyway, my point was that I hope to see her again as it's almost summer and the temps are already hot.

Talking about temperatures, my tan is coming along very nicely. My whole upper half is a nice even brown all around and so is from about 100mm above my knees but the rest is so pasty! I really want a full body tan – none of this fucken tan line bullshit. I just need my parents to fuck off for a decent 3 day AT LEAST. Then I could just lay outside naked and get it on, it's not like I don't anyway but my parents aren't just gone for long enough.

I'm gonna go have a brood on youporn.com while I finish my bourbon and fag.

12:17 A.M.

Just had another bong and when I finished I thought, “Why the fuck am I not in bed yet?” and then it hit me, the addiction. I can't just have one drink, I gotta drink till I drop. I can't have one smoke, I gotta smoke until my eyes are closed. I don't know what it is! Maybe I'm fucken missing something. Sometimes I think I have a fucken screw loose. Fuck it scares me sometimes with the things that run through my head that I want to do. I'm not even going to say no more because they are fucken sick and twisted things.

WHY DO THESE THINGS RUN THROUGH MY HEAD?

At least I have a lot more good than bad in my life. People who live here, don't know how lucky they are.

Time to say goodnight I think, to the diary, anyway.

Peace.

October 17th 2008, 08:21 A.M.

I just got up and already had the bourbon squirts waiting for me. Darren is suppose to be ringing me at half 8 this morning, fuck I hope there is no work today. I wouldn't mind going back to bed.

01:04 P.M.

Have been outside all morning having a bonfire and did some chainsawing. Darren txt me at 10 this morning saying he just got up, what use is that to me? And what am I meant to do with that information? Mike txt me about half an hour ago so I rang him and he said he was going to come over soon. Knowing him I'll probably get wasted. Whoopee!
I think Wayneo and myself are going to have a few quiets around the fire tonight, should be good.

4:19 P.M.

Mike didn't come over, I must of misheard him on the phone because he thought I was going to his place so I went over to his place anyway. He had been working in the garden all day so I bought over some bourbons and we had a pipe and a good chat. Went to Darfield after that and got some cash out and then purchased my lotto tickets. Fuck I could really use that $30 mil. Dreams are free, aren't they?

Anyway, I came home and cracked a scab and now I'm just relaxing with a bourbon and Metallica. I love Metallica, it helps me chill. I love closing my door and curtains and air guitar to it for hours. I hope no one has seen me apart from that night in town... I guess this diary is a combination of what I did during the day and my thoughts at the same time as I write it. I'm not one to be motivated to sit and write things like this but something tells me I should. I'm gonna go brood.

12:42 A.M.

Just got inside from my bonfire. Fuck it was big! There were moments where Wayneo, Mole and myself just piled it up and let the flames climb high! Watching fire is like strippers, you always want to see something greater. Fuck my ass hurts something wicked. Maybe I should explain, well during the bonfire with Wayneo, Mole and myself, Wayneo and myself decided to put ourselves to the test a bit. So what we did was grab end of sticks that were either still on fire or red hot embers and burn each other. My ass, stomach and arms are covered in burns - It hurts to sit. I'm glad Wayneo was keen to get involved in my sick acts of burning each other but when he says no, I think to myself “Am I taking this too far?” but I just want to take it to another level. I wanted to burn each others gouche. Do you know what the gouche is? Well if you don't it's the vast area of toxic wasteland between a guys balls and his anus. Enough said on that then.

So whats going on in my head? Nothing currently. I'm pretty clear on everything at the moment which makes me relaxed – more thinking about my fucken searing ass pain!

01:20 A.M.

Just spent about 20 mins around the leftovers of the bonfire with Mum and Andrew. Fuck I hate Andrew sometimes. I mean he can be a nice guy but his fuck pommy ways piss me off something wicked. Somehow he always gets Mum and myself into an argument and I end up soo pissed of that I want to fucken kill him. Fuck he gets to me. Anyway, same shit, he got Mum and me arguing and I could see Mum was pretty upset so I didn't want to take it any further so I just stood up and said goodnight and now I'm here fuming on the whole thing. I try not to do it but the simplest things can piss me off and I can fester on it for days and then realize it's a complete waste of time. Sometimes I feel like my anger is under control but then sometimes I just want to do things that are not human. No sane person would want to crucify someone upside down and burn the soles of their feet with a blowtorch right?

I thought not.

Lots of things are running through my head and I can't channel just a single stream of thought to rant about! FUCK!
I bet Mum and Andrew are bitching about me, fucken cocksuckers.

I think I'm starting to release myself. I just took a look at my ass in the mirror and it's covered in blisters, BEAUTIFUL!

I think I'm going to stay up for a while tonight and fester on my thoughts and write them as they come to me. I need some pot. Just remembered I have some resin from the pipe of my bong that I scraped out a week ago. It was so blocked I couldn't even puff, shit this stuff blow my mind! I need a fucken smoke...

Chicks keep messaging me on MSN asking me to send cam, FUCK! I can't be fucked really because:

A) Don't have my cam...
B) Not in the mood...
C) Can't be fucked...

I can feel I'm starting to get depressed again. I need another fucken drink or at least a puff. I don't like it when I get depressed because I start to think bad thoughts to myself. I suppose it wont be long till I wont be able to stop myself from an action I have already started. In case you don't already know, I have been through some dark patches in my life recently and wanted to really fucken kill myself but that is so fucken selfish! I've gotten to the point where I have had the noose secured to the truss and just stood staring at it and really thinking to myself who I would hurt. Thats more what keep me alive sometimes. I can't bear to put those people through that misery and pain.

I feel a little ill... WHY?

I don't know, you tell me?

Oh, I forgot I had a short conversation with Stevie today! I haven't fucken talked to her for ages! I guess it's hard for me being on the road all the time to keep in good contact with people. I really feel like just putting my arms on the desk and collapsing my head into the soft nest my arms will make. Something is just telling me not to and to just keep on writing. I think the Metallica helps.

I'm starting to yawn now, tiredness is setting in. I don't think I'll get up till late tomorrow because I fee like a good sleep. I'll probably put on a movie when I goto bed and fall asleep 5 mins into it, happens all the time. Ok, now the tired tears are really starting to roll.

Just had a puff of my resin and it perked me up a little. I wonder if there are any movies on tv? Nope. Nothing on tv worth watching except Jackass. I love those guys, especially Steve-O, the fucked up coke addict he is... God they are soo fucken funny! Jackass doesn't end till 03:30 A.M. and it's 02:18 A.M. now so I think I'm gonna watch it till the end. It gives me ideas sometimes, ideas I do not care to go into detail right now cos I wanna fucken watch Jackass! I better fucken stop now until next time!

I'm gonna be $30 mil richer tomorrow at 8pm, I can feel it.

Peace.

02:53 A.M.

Didn't end up going to bed before. Thought I was but in the spirit of my upbeat mood I went out to the fire where Mum and Andrew still were and tried to have a civil conversation with them. Andrew is such a cunt, more of a cunt than me and thats an effort and a half to achieve. He always thinks he knows better and tests my patience. I don't know how I put up with him sometimes, maybes it's because he is a good friend of my Mums and don't want to bring another burden into my life. I have had many skeletons in my closet over my life but I feel now that they are gone. Have you ever had that feeling? It's like dumping a bitch that you have been meaning to kick out for a while then finally get the balls to do it and it feels like a 600kg weight has been taken off your shoulder. Moral of the story? Don't commit to ANYTHING.

COMMITMENT = HARD LABOUR

I feel spaced out a bit but also alert. Still drinking, I think the can count is 11. Jackass is back on, talk soon...

Ad break, fuck I hate ads... Back on...

Steve-O just went bobbing for jellyfish and got stung in the face, big fucken surprise there! Anyway he has to do something about it so he pissed on his face, AHHHAHAHAHA!!! But then what was even funnier was that he puked right after! What a fucken soft cock!

Ad break again, now that was worth watching. A lot of footage that I haven't seen before and it made me have a smile on my face for the whole time, even until now! I don't really know what to talk about as my head seems to be filled with shit running through it. How does it do that? It goes from being completely empty to being overfilled and not knowing which is important enough to disregard and which isn't. My life seems complicated to me, I think it's because I just haven't COMPLETLEY found myself. I put emphasis on that word because I think I have partly or half found myself. Remember I was talking before about the weight being lifted off the shoulders? Well it only feels like half of it has been removed. There is nothing I owe or should feel guilty about so why do I feel like this? Part of me says it has something to do about a girl, it kind of makes sense to me when I think about it – What I mean is the half weight that is left, maybe it's not a weight but more of a half full/half empty situation. However you want to look at it lets just say it's half full for arguments sake.
It's 03:30 A.M. and I'm still completely awake. Fucking weird. Thank god the burning pain has stoppped. I feel like watching Lord Of The Rings, I love that movie.

I'm gonna go to try and sleep now. I don't want tomorrow to be wasted in bed.

Talk tomorrow. Peace.

03:53 A.M.

What the fuck, I'm still not in bed. I'm in one of those moods where I just follow interesting links on the net and just keep going and going and going, like the energizer bunny. But now I really am going to go to bed. I have closed all my browser windows and everything else but just have my downloads going.

Stage 1 complete.

Have just shut off the tv now after staring at it for 5 mins with the remote in my hands wanted to shut it down, escaped that fuck trap.

Stage 2 complete.

There aren't really anymore stage left except for stage 3 which comprises of stripping down and getting into bed so I had better put that plan into action.

For the last time tonight,

Peace.